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Hockessin Woman Chronicles Battle With Mental Illness When Susan L. Heisler was a child, she had no way of dealing with her depression. The 58 year old retired nurse anesthetist from Hockessin said that her parents didn't believe anything was wrong with her, They were verbally abusive and witheld affection. She said they left her with no sense of who she was and no sense of value. "When I was growing up, I didn't have a diagnosis. I had no clue what was going on. My family life very traumatic. The only way I had of getting rid of all my anxieties and feelings was to sit down in front of a typewriter and start writing," she said. Heisler said she encircled herself with a façade and started to create stories. "All the stories evolved into one story where the character somehow became male and was everything I wanted to be. He had the same problems in his household that I had, and I would just look inside his head. What came out of his mouth was what I was thinking. I was never allowed to speak what I was thinking at home because my parents didn't want to put up with it," said Heisler. Heisler also said that by living vicariously
through the character she felt in control.
Heisler says that although she would write about this character, she didn't think of plots. When she wrote, everything she felt would flow onto the paper. She said it was a stream of consciousness. "I bet the pile of papers I have from that time is almost a foot thick. When I read through the papers now, I can tell exactly where I was at that moment because it's all the thoughts that I remembered feeling.," Heisler said. When Heisler reached adulthood, she said her feelings of depression never subsided since she had never dealt with those feelings correctly. "I became a different person. When I was in college, I acted totally opposite of the way I felt. People thought I was the life of the party, when, in fact, I was miserable. Nobody ever knew the "real me"... I didn't know the real me." Dealing with problems by wearing a smile
became her defense mechanism, she said.
"Nobody in my family would say anything, so I ended up giving the therapist our entire family history, which was dark and complicated, with a smile on my face. When I finished, he sat there for a moment and said, ëHow can you sit there and describe what you just described to me with a smile on your face?'" Heisler said. "I didn't have an answer. Finally, I asked him if he would take me as a patient. He agreed. His purpose of accepting me as his patient was to dismantle this façade I had. He said he would do it brick by brick, as fast as I wanted to do it." Heisler became frightened at the prospect of opening up verbally. Although she had asked for the therapist's assistance, she now found that she was no able to speak to him. As a result, she said she sabotaged every session because she didn't know how to express herself. Heisler said she thought of how she dealt with her feelings by writing as a child and asked if she could write down her feelings and thoughts rather than talking about them. He agreed and Heisler said she could feel the walls coming down. "All of a sudden I felt naked in front of the world. Now I was this person that I never knew before," Heisler said. This type of therapy became very beneficial to Heisler. She calls it "journaling." One day, around 1998, Heisler began to write outside of therapy. She decided to write about her life and her battle with mental illness. "I just kept writing, and about six months later, I had a book written," Heisler said. The finished product was "Anthology of a Crazy Lady." Heisler also refers to the book as "my story." "It's not a ëhow-to' book nor is it a family-bashing book. The story is about my life and it's honest. I had a story to tell, but I did not want it to be condemnation of my parents, or my husband, or anyone else," Heisler said. Heisler's immediate family has been supportive of her and the book, but she never had a chance to show the book to her parents. Her father died before she wrote it and her mother has had Alzheimer's disease for 20 years. The one person heisler said she was hesitant
to show the book to was her younger sister.
The book, in limited release, has been received in different ways by the public, Heisler said. "For some people, those with depression,
or those who know someone suffering from the illness, I think it sometimes
hits too close to home. However. Many people see a pattern in their own
lives when they read it, and it encourages them to get help." Heisler said.
Heisler says that writing the book has by no means taken the place of seeing a therapist. She says it is just one step in the process of trying to get well. "Anthology of a crazy lady" will be available in bookstores starting October 1st.
Book Review
Book on Mental Illness and
Recovery Through the Arts
Contact Susan L. Heisler, Victoria Publishing,
16 Hillstream Road,
Book Excerpts
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